Flesh Will Tear But the Soul Cannot
by definitelynotaweeb
Summary: Set in the 1880's, Eren is faced with the impossibility of his love for Levi. Even though his love becomes requited, many complications still keep them apart. During a fight, Eren loses his temper and Levi falls down the stairs, breaking his neck. Eren has a plan to resurrect Levi using current medical science and a little bit of old magic, but when Levi returns, he is not the same
1. Chapter 1

EREN

_Why is he so beautiful?_ Eren thought. He could see him across the room and couldn't stop watching. _I hope he doesn't see me, _the thoughts laid out in his mind_, but these feelings are useless, he will never love me – he belongs with Mikasa, right? I would just ruin their engagement_. Eren's mind always took to this way of thinking. He couldn't stop thinking about the subject. His sister, Mikasa, was getting engaged before him but he hadn't even thought of finding a wife. He felt like a useless older brother.

Looking at how Mikasa and Levi interact, he could see how distant they were. He didn't think that Levi was a bad guy and he could tell that he respected Mikasa, so he (and everyone else in the family) didn't see a problem with the engagement. It's unspoken, but everyone knew why the engagement was happening. Levi didn't seem like the type to believe in love. Eren thought he seemed like the kind of person to put up with something they don't like because it's their duty. But he thought that it's a good quality.

Everyone knew that the marriage is because of ulterior motives. Mikasa is pretty attached to Eren and she never really expressed interest in anyone else. Actually, she never really expressed interest in men in general. Eren thought she was weird. She wears all his gifts, she is bad at socializing, she has an unapproachable air to her, but he knows she's a good person inside.

Levi is a weird guy too. Eren thought that even if they don't love each other, at least they would be great friends. They have so much in common. Levi is a mystery to Eren. He has a lot of money but no living family. He keeps to himself, but if they're alone, he'll make a really awkward joke that Eren doesn't know how to respond to. He is engaged to Mikasa, but he spends time with Eren the most.

But right now Levi's talking to Mikasa as Eren is sitting in the big armchair in the sitting room. Everyone is bored. Eren has his head in his hands, waiting for his Dad to discreetly call him out for bad posture. He keeps making eye contact with Levi and then quickly looking away. He didn't think he'd ever felt that miserable in his life.

Levi is always dressed in an expensive suit and it really stands out against Mikasa's simple yet elegant dresses. Eren thought he must seem out of place to Levi in his boyish suits that almost resemble the "play clothes" he wore to climb trees and catch fish in as a child. But Eren never felt confortable in nice clothing; he liked to be able to move around freely.

Eren's parents sat across from Levi and Mikasa making polite conversation and asking Levi all sorts of questions. Eren thought this was incredibly boring. He wanted everyone to leave the room for some unimportant reason so he could have an excuse to be alone with Levi. Because as of now, being the brother of Levi's fiancé, he had no reason to claim any part of Levi's personal time.

_I wonder if he's thinking the same thing_, Eren thought. He didn't only wonder if Levi was thinking about him, he hoped for it. Even though he knew their love was not only improbable, but also impossible, part of him still wanted Levi to fantasize about him. He didn't want to be the only one.

"Oh, Eren, sit up properly," his father said in an exasperated tone, "really now, he's too old to be doing this. Mr. Aker- I mean Levi, would you please be a role model for my son? He's too carefree."

Eren shot up in his seat, his body in a flush of heat, and his mind racing with embarrassment. Levi just politely (and with slight annoyance) smiled at Eren and then at Eren's father.

"I have to decline because I would not consider myself a good teacher," Levi said.

Eren's father laughed and said that Levi was being too modest and too formal. He urged Levi to call him Grisha because they were family now. Then he glanced at Eren in an irritated way and changed the subject. Eren hated this forced conversation. He just wanted to be in his room. Although he couldn't deny that he was embarrassed by his posture just now. His father, Dr. Jaeger, had become a very successful man. He had saved the town from a terrible epidemic before Eren was born and had the respect of even neighboring areas. Eren should become a son befitting of his father's prestige.

"It's getting late, I should probably show myself out now," Levi said after a pause in the conversation.

"Are you sure," Dr. Jaeger said, "I could send Eren to walk you to the door."

At this, Eren flinched. He could barley stand sitting next to Levi, how could he manage to walk him out alone? It would be too difficult to hide his feelings. Fantasizing about it being alone and actually being alone were two different things.

"Yes, if it isn't too much trouble", Levi replied with a forced smile.

Levi stood up and looked down at Eren still sitting in his chair. Eren shot up stiffly from his chair and awkwardly moved next to Levi, who was still standing by his seat. Everyone looked at Eren with second hand embarrassment and tried to ignore the uncomfortable atmosphere that was steadily gathering between the two.

"If you'll excuse me," Levi said, shifting his weight toward the door. Eren suddenly understood the situation and rushed out of Levi's path and over to the hallway.

"I'm sorry! This way, please..." Eren's words trailed off.

Levi moved next to Eren and they began to walk down the hallway to the front entrance. There was a heavy silence between them and Eren though the mood could not get any worse. He caught himself glancing at Levi frequently and when Levi accidentally met his gaze he snapped his head back forwards.

"Are you admiring my jacket? It's new. I thought you would like it," Levi commented.

Eren looked down to hide his embarrassment. He was so uncomfortable. _But wait_, he thought, _what was that about Levi wearing it for me?_

"It's…nice, I guess. It suits you," Was all Eren could reply.

The rest of the walk was silent. When they got to the door, Levi stopped before grabbing the doorknob and turned back around.

"Is something wrong?" Eren asked.

Levi moved toward Eren and acted like he was starring at something. He said Eren had something on his jacket and Eren moved back, allowing Levi to remove it. Levi moved closer to Eren, removing the dust, and started whispering something in his ear.

"I know you've been staring at me all evening, Eren. Do you have something you want to tell me? Why are you getting so flustered when I move close to you?"

With that, Levi opened the door and walked out into the late summer night air. Eren stood frozen at the door. He didn't know what to do. Levi obviously knows about his feelings, or at least he knows that Eren has been acting strangely toward him. Was Levi also interested in him? He was so confused. All he could do was calm down, take a drink, and return to the party.


	2. Chapter 2

LEVI

Levi left the Jaeger house and couldn't help hiding a smirk as he walked down the stairs. He knew Eren had feelings for him soon after they met each other. Eren's admiration had turned into affection quickly and Levi thought it was cute to see Eren stumbling through his words each time they talked. Levi found it amusing.

Although on the steps of the Jaeger house that warm summer night, Levi felt something strange – guilt. He had never felt it before. He also liked Eren. He wanted nothing more than to hold him tightly, but he also knew that it was impossible. Eren was not only a boy, but also the son of his fiancé. He had a reputation to uphold and she had a family. He liked Mikasa, but he did not love her. He never would. Levi was trapped: it was impossible to love Mikasa, yet impossible to forget Eren; impossible to love Eren, yet impossible to leave Mikasa. He found himself wishing the engagement would never end so he wouldn't have to choose.

Levi's house was a dirty stone road away from the Jaeger's. His shoes were covered in mud by the time he reached the end of the dirt walkway to his door. Removing his shoes, he made his way across the wooden floor of the large farmhouse to the bedroom. He didn't bother to put kindling in the fire, he would be going out soon. Just a hobby of his – walking- he enjoyed the silence of it. He put on unassuming clothes, forgetting his watch, and creaked open the rough, paint-chipped back door. _Free_, he thought_, finally free_.

The night air was still warm. Levi thought that summer nights were so fragile. Walking at night, when there was no one else, was so important. He had to be completely alone in the unwinding landscape around him, the only silhouette on the road ahead. But soon after leaving that night he heard voices coming from the dense wood that surrounded his house. The leaves and underbrush rustled gently. There were people in there, people in his wilderness - his escape. He had to do something. As he slid over the field to the source, the voices got louder and easier to understand.  
"Keep him quiet!"  
"This would be easier if we just drugged the kid!"  
The child cried and his screams intensified as the man beat him over the head. Levi approached them from out of the trees.  
"I'm sorry, I seem to be lost. I was informed that there is a house near by here?"  
The two men looked at each other. One had his hand on the now unconscious child.  
"There might be. We don't know the area well."  
Levi looked down at the small child tucked away behind the second man. He knew without even asking what the child would be used for. He knew what happened to children without protection too well. The boy was still in his nightshirt although it was covered in blood. It must have been a struggle to kidnap him.

"Is the boy yours," he said.

The men looked confused for a moment as if forgetting the fact they had a child behind them. The first man looked to the second as he began to articulate an answer. The second man quickly gave him a look and they both turned to face Levi. When the second man let go, the child fell to the ground in a lifeless heap. In a few moments the men ran to attack Levi. Levi thought that their movements were too simple. He could tell what they were going to do without much difficulty.

Levi reached for the hunting knife he kept hidden and slashed the first man's arm as he went for Levi's throat. The man cried out in pain as warm blood cascaded down his right arm. The second man gabbed a blunt branch and swung at Levi's head. He ducked. Then he kicked the man's balance out from under him. In the seconds both men were immobilized, Levi got a glance of the collapsed boy behind them. In that moment, he saw himself. He remembered.

Levi had not always been the well off man he was currently. His earliest memory was of his first murder. He was 8 years old. He couldn't remember why he had even committed the crime; it was too hazy in his memory. But that crime would haunt him for the rest of his childhood.

Levi was taken to a reformatory on the outskirts of the city. His life there was hell. It made him realize that there was probably no truth to the religious teachings they used as an excuse for violence against him and the other boys. Heaven did not exist. No one forgave him. But Hell was real – Hell was living.

At the age of 14, a woman came to the reformatory. He remembered being taken from his room and shown to her. They said he was the only boy that age. She was dressed in mourning clothes. She forced a smile and asked to be alone with him. Levi just stared blankly at her when she asked his name. She told him that her son was murdered. It was a robbery and he was 14. His name was James. That was why she had come there today – she needed a son. Levi remembered her words exactly. _Maybe I can finally find happiness if I rescue a child from the very side of society that took mine away._ Levi told her his name.

They left the reformatory in silence. The house he would now call home was large and newly built. The pointed tower-like structures and crown molding were the latest fashion. It was a great example of new money. When they stepped inside, she showed Levi to his room, James's old room, and asked him to call her mother. Levi looked at the empty space barren of any furnishings except a bed and desk. He called her Ms. Smith.

Their happy life together was cut short the next year when she contracted Tuberculosis. Levi remembered how much she changed. She was always so considerate and caring; always had a clear mind. But when the disease got into it's later stages, she began to lose her mind. She would wake up from a shallow sleep and scream for James. When Levi ran in to help her she would grab him and pull him to her in a suffocating embrace. Her scrams would be dulled by the phlegm and blood that poured from her coughs. Trapped, Levi endured the episodes. After she passed out, he would strip and wash his blood-soaked clothing. She never remembered his name.

That year she died. Levi was the sole benefactor and inherited everything. At the funeral, he just stared at her coffin. She was gone forever but he wasn't sad. He didn't feel anything. He just kept staring at her. The house meant nothing to him so he sold it. He had no real possessions, nothing of sentiment. He decided to move out to the country. He bought a house out near what would become the home of Eren and his sister. Back then, 15 years ago, it was just a house filled with a doctor and his wife.

Levi remembered the emptiness he felt as he watched the two men get up and start to attack him again. This time he would kill them. Grabbing the hunting knife from the ground he waited for them. He felt no fear. Stabbing the first one through the throat, he watched as the blood sprayed out of his neck and covered everything as he fell to the ground, gasping. The second one tried to attack from behind, but Levi hit his head with the back end of the knife, and then stabbed him through the eye.

He was soaked in blood, a familiar taste and feel. Levi looked over at the child now waking up from the blow. He wanted to help the boy. Levi walked over to the child and reached out his hand.

"It's ok."

At the sight of Levi's splattered face and clothes, the child screamed and ran into the thick forest. In that moment, Levi felt like a monster. How could he get over the past? It had hardened him into something most people would fear. How could he ever make Eren happy? He couldn't provide the caring demeanor Eren was sure to desire of him. He was sure to live a loveless life.

Levi dragged the bodies of the two men back to his shed. He hacked them up into small pieces and burned the stained clothes he was wearing. He would feed them to the animals. Putting the remains in buckets, Levi waked over to the house and called out his dogs. Then he ground some for feed and stored the rest in the cellar. Nothing he couldn't handle. He hosed himself down and went to bed.


	3. Chapter 3

LONGING

Eren walked into the hallway. The house looked especially dark to him and the walls seemed to be curving at the creases. His body felt heavy. The door at the end of the hall felt like it kept getting farther away from him the more he walked toward it, and when he finally touched the wooden frame, it felt rough and cold. He pushed it open. Inside, the fireplace crackled in the darkness. A figure was seated on the couch in front of it. Eren felt strange, uneasy, like he had seen this person before.

"Um...excuse me…" he said after some silence.

The figure turned around and stared. It was Levi. He was sitting casually on the couch in the study with his suit jacket draped over the backrest, reading a book. The fire crackled in the silence. It was uncomfortable.

"Levi, why are you here so late?"

Levi stared at Eren, ignoring his question.

"Why don't you sit next to me, Eren? The fire warmed up the room nicely."

Eren started to move, but it felt strange – the whole situation was strange – Levi would never stay over so late and read, he would never offer Eren a seat so warmly, and why did he have the fire going in the summer?

"Actually, I'm going back to my room, sorry."

"You should stay," Levi's voice was cold.

Eren was afraid. He didn't know what to do. He stared to leave the room when Levi grabbed his hand.

"Please," Levi said, more gently than before.

Eren turned around. Levi's face was serious, but familiar. He wanted to be with Levi, but the atmosphere felt wrong. Eren tensed up at the grip around his hand. Noticing this, Levi slowly let go.

"Sorry."

"It's fine."

They stared at each other for a long time. Then Eren looked down, embarrassed. Levi moved away, standing with his back to Eren and facing the fireplace. The silence was crushing. Eren felt like he wanted to cry. He liked Levi a lot, he wanted Levi to look at him again; he wanted to be held. But he wanted those feelings to be returned, genuinely. If Levi didn't like him back, he had no reason to be nice to Eren. He had no reason to pretend.

Eren knew Levi was probably just going to tease him about his feelings again if he stayed. He didn't want that and he didn't know why Levi was so upset at him leaving the room.

"Eren, I need to tell you something important."

"What is it?"

Levi turned back to face Eren, who was fully expecting him to say that he was tired of Eren acting strangely around him and to keep his distance from now on.

"I love you," Levi's eyes were serious.

Eren could feel a pang in his heart. He didn't know how to react. Levi approached him again and repeated himself. Eren was frozen in place. The walls started spinning again. His skin felt cold and sweaty. Levi embraced him.

"Levi, I don't know what you want me to say. After what you said at the party, I was so embarrassed. I never wanted to face you again. How can you just say that so easily?"

"I'm sorry."

Eren pulled Levi closer. He was happy, but he didn't know what they should do.

"Eren, can I kiss you?"

"Yeah."

Levi embraced Eren in a kiss and gradually moved them over to the couch. Taking a breath, they both looked at each other's faces intently. After another gentle kiss, Levi moved to Eren's neck and shoulders. Embarrassed, Eren tried to push Levi back.

"Eren, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, it's just…"

"Am I moving too fast? Sorry."

"No, no! It's good!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Sorry."

Levi started again, but he felt different from before. Suddenly, Eren felt a pang of discomfort. His shoulder felt inflamed. Levi was biting his skin, but it didn't feel bad. He kind of liked it. Eren tried to get Levi's attention to kiss him again, but he couldn't get him to stop. The pain got more intense. It was starting to really hurt.

"Levi, stop. It hurts a lot!"

But he was unresponsive. Eren looked pleadingly back at Levi and he didn't look like himself. He looked more like a monster. Levi's jaw extended out, revealing rows of fanged teeth. His hands pinned Eren down as he bit him again. Eren screamed and blood rushed out of his neck into the monster's jaws. As it gripped him, Eren could feel that Levi's cold fingers had extended into sharp claws. They were digging into him. The pain only got worse and he was losing the will to fight back. The monster released Eren's raw shoulder and hung its head over his face. Eren found himself looking for Levi's eyes somewhere under his black eye sockets. The monster went to bite him again, and Eren screamed.

Jolting forward, Eren panted heavily. His heart rate was pounding. He was covered in a cold sweat. _Its over_, he thought, _it was just a dream_. He buried his face and his hands_, only a dream_. He sat in the dim silence for a while, but decided he needed to clear his head. He was bothered by the dream. He saw the horrible black sockets every time he closed his eyes. It was looming over him. He needed to take a walk.

Exiting the house silently, the summer air hit him as soon as he walked outside. The night was warm and the light breeze relaxed him a bit. He needed to calm down. Somehow, the farther he went down the road, the more anxious he felt. He wanted to go back, but when he turned around, he couldn't really see the end of the road. Eren was getting scared. He wasn't used to walking at night. He decided to turn back.

"Hey, what are you doing out so late?"

Eren screamed and threw a punch at the figure, but his wrist was caught.

"What the hell," the figure yelled back.

Eren opened his eyes. Levi was staring at him like he was insane.

"Oh, its you. I was just really scared, I'm sorry!"

Eren could feel the after effects of the adrenaline. He is legs were getting weak and his heart still wouldn't calm down.

"Yeah, you look terrible, Eren. I'll walk you home."

The silence was uncomfortable on the walk back. Eren thought maybe the fact that Levi was shorter than him and trying to support him as they walked was part of it. Trying to avoid eye contact, Eren looked up at the night sky. The stars looked like light shining through tiny holes in a piece of paper. Eren remembered when he and Mikasa would make paper constellations and press them against the window. As a child, he really believed it looked like the sky. He thought he could create anything. Now, he couldn't even control his own heartbeat when Levi touched him.

Soon they could see the outline of Eren's house in the distance. Eren couldn't help but feel relieved. The strong silhouette of the jagged towers against the night sky made him realize how large it really is. Eren invited Levi in. The house was dark and empty and Eren couldn't decide if he was more or less at ease with Levi walking next to him.

Eren lead them to his room. They could talk there and he didn't feel like being alone after the dream anyway. The real Levi was kind and gentle. Eren never felt threatened by him. But the Levi from the dream, he was truly terrifying. Eren couldn't help his thoughts form wandering. He wondered if the real Levi might actually be like the Levi from his dream. The thought bothered him. He tried not to think about it.

They sat down on Eren's bed. Eren had lived in the same room since he slept in a cradle. He never saw the need to move to the larger one. He remembered when his mother was still pregnant with his sister. He was so excited to finally have a playmate that when his mother asked him if he wanted to change to the larger bedroom, he refused saying he wanted his sister to have the better room. So Eren kept the small child's room down the narrow hallway in the side tower of the house. But somehow it felt suffocating with Levi in it now.

They sat in silence on opposite corners of the bed. The atmosphere was uneasy. Eren wanted to day something, but he didn't want to be the one to break the silence.

"Eren, about what I said that night," Levi's voice was slow and unsure.

"It's fine. Really. I don't want you to feel like you have to pity me."

"I don't."

More silence. It resonated in Eren's mind. _I don't._ He wondered if he should be happy or crushed.

"Eren, I want to tell you something important."

"What is it?"

"I can't marry Mikasa."

"What?"

The prospect of the engagement being cut off so suddenly frightened Eren as much as it gave him the slightest hope. The family would be devastated. They would lose social standing. Mikasa would be hurt by the rumors of what she could have done to discourage a suitor. Eren couldn't let that happen.

"If it's money, we have a lot to offer you still," Eren's voice was shaky.

"It's not the money."

"Don't you know what this will mean for her though? She'll be shamed. It'll-"

"I know. But I can't go through with it."

"Why not?" Eren was getting angry.

"Because of you."

"Seriously? Because I'm in love with you you're going to call off the engagement! Do I disgust you that much?" He was close to tears.

"No. It's the opposite. I love you."

Eren let the last part sink into his mind. He didn't know how to respond. Levi moved closer to Eren who was staring intently at the floor. Levi put a hand on his shoulder; Eren was incredibly tense.

"I love you," he repeated.

Levi put his hand on Eren's face and pulled it to his. Levi was surprisingly warm. He felt nice. Suddenly, Eren remembered the dream. He was terrified of Levi. He pulled away, shaking.

"Get…get away!" Tears rolled down his flushed face.

"Eren. What's wrong?" Levi was concerned.

Eren huddled in the corner of the room, shaking. Levi went to touch him and Eren screamed.

"Eren, calm down!"

Levi grabbed Eren's arm. Eren let out another cry. Levi held Eren to his body and talked him down. After a while, he could feel Eren's breathing getting steadier. He was shaking less.

"Are you ok?"

"…yeah. I think so."

"What happened? What scared you so much?"

Eren held the silence.

"You."

Levi stared at him.

"I would never hurt you."

"It was just a dream. But I was really scared. It just all came rushing back to me and… I don't know"

"Dreams don't mean anything."

In the tight embrace, Levi kissed the back of Eren's neck. He didn't want Eren to know that he had real reason to be afraid.


End file.
